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Notes -
Sober Thoughts
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Written by Chipper
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Tuesday, 20 July 2010 13:40 |
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An AA friend of an AA friend sent this to me. The author is a middle age man writing to his seven year old nephew.
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Hi nephew, how are you?
It was very nice seeing you over the holiday. Do you remember when we ate ice cream at Aunties and you asked,
"How can h-e-double-hockey-stick (hell) be in the center of the earth when it is all just rocks and lava and stuff. That is what the teacher told us."
When you asked me, I did not have an answer for you. I am sorry.
However, I have been thinking about it and here are my thoughts.
To answer your question, let me explain my belief in God. God, I believe, lives in our hearts. But, He will only do so if we invite Him in. For many years I filled my heart with blackness. Then, one day I heard a knocking. I heard it before, when I was about your age, but ignored it so often I could not hear it anymore. Why I heard it again, I do not know, but I did. Some people say it is because other people prayed for me. Whatever the reason, I opened the door a crack to see who was there and a small sliver of light came in. I jumped back so as not to get burned, but I did not close the door. I put my finger in the
light and it felt nice. It felt so nice I opened the door and let the
light in more. As the light shone in, the blackness was replaced and I
saw many thing in my heart that needed to go away. These things are my
own bad behavior such as lying, fear and more. I have been collecting
these things since I was your age. There is a whole long list. As the
light shows more of these things, I let the light have them. I hold
them up to the light and say, "God, take this please. I was wrong to
think it was a friend. Please take it and help me be a good man."
God,
being God, does take them away.
But, because my bad behaviors have been
my friends for so long, I sometimes invite them back into my heart.
It's hard to truly let bad habits go. I invite them back by closing the
door in my heart to the light of God. When I do that, the blackness
comes and the bad behaviors come out and start bullying me. I used to
think their bullying was friendship, but today I know it is not. I wish
they could be my friends sometimes, that's why I invite them back, but
they cannot. It's not in their nature. They are like sharks. Sharks
bite things. Bad behaviors make me feel bad. If too many bad behaviors
show up at once, I feel bad - really, really bad. I become mean. I
become unhappy and I do not like anyone, not even myself, especially
myself.
Fortunately, God knocks again and I remember how nice it is to
have God in my heart. So, I open the door again and give God my bad
behaviors and I feel better and am able to be nice to those around me,
such as when we had ice cream with your brothers at Aunties house.
Now that you know my belief in God, I will explain how I think
h-e-double-hockey-stick can be in the center of the earth even though
your teacher says it is all just rocks and lava and stuff.
We know the heart is just a muscle inside our chest. It pumps the blood
through our system and helps keep us alive, happy and healthy. But, we
also know God lives there if we let Him. You can prove this to yourself
by taking a few minutes each day and sitting quiet and focusing your
thoughts on your heart and imagine opening a door and letting God's
light in. Try it and you will see. You will see and know God then.
Myself, I do this at least twice a day, and sometimes more, especially
when I feel like inviting my bad behaviors back into my heart.
Did you try it? Did you feel God in your heart?
Good.
Now, with that feeling of God in your heart, you know that God is, but
no science or teacher can prove it. You can only prove it to yourself.
Given this knowledge that God exists in your heart, if you let him, do
you see how h-e-double-hockey-stick could be in the center of the earth
even though we know the center of the earth is full of rocks and lava
and stuff?
I hope so.
But, even if you do not, that is okay. You are a good boy,
and so long as you let God into your heart, and do good things, then
h-e-double hockey stick is nothing for you to worry about.
Love,
Uncle.
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Notes -
24 Hours A Day
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Written by Chipper
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Monday, 19 July 2010 14:54 |
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Today's reading (July 19th) from the 24 Hour Book flatly says we AA's should NOT criticize nor gossip about fellow members who drink (or use) on the side. It also declares that if a person is having a slip, it is up to him or her to stand up and declare they are using. If they do not they are "only hurting themselves." This idea is dangerous. I do not agree with it. Such people are NOT only hurting themselves.
In my AA community there is a fellow in the room who I became friendly with in my early sobriety. Because I trusted to much in the goodness of all people in AA with more time than me and my own ability to discern "good" character, the fellow wound up conning me into loaning him a thousand dollars. The loan was to help him stay out of jail by paying down fines. Curiously, a couple days later he had a new cell phone, new shoes, and new cloths. Around the same time we had a falling out about our differing approaches to AA and the unspoken lie for the reason of the loan.(I personally believe he also used the money to binge.) Since then the fellow has relapsed repeatedly and shows no signs of active recovery, other than coming to meetings where he offers sponsor every new comer who will listen to him. On some occasions, I take the new comer aside and let him know about the dishonesty I experienced with the fellow and to be cautious. I do not tell the new comer not to be his friend or any such nonsense, but to be cautious. I do this as I would warn an old lady about walking into an alley with a known mugger who just last week mugged someone. Is this wrong? I think not.
Now, on the other side of today's reading, I do believe petty gossip and self-serving criticism of others is a waste of time and dangerous to the participant as well as the victim. I have been guilty of putting others down behind their back to make myself feel better and to distract myself from my own character defects. However, I try to be a better man daily and not fall victim to my own bad behavior or others.
Maybe, as I continue to work on my own sobriety, I will better learn to be deeply loving, forgiving and compassionate to all. But, that does not mean I will knowingly watch an AA grifter con a new comer. |
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Notes -
Sober Thoughts
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Written by Chipper
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Thursday, 15 July 2010 14:22 |
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I did not go to a meeting this morning due to the baby waking early. After the nanny arrived, I walked to the office with my wife. We parted company at the corner and I got a cup of coffee before coming inside. Before I came up I sat on a bench in front of City Hall for a few minutes to smoke a couple of cigarettes and watch the world go by. Prior to sitting, I bumped into two AA fellows. As I sat, another AA fellow walked by and said a quick "Hi". While I sat, yet another fellow I know from the rooms came by. I do not consider him an AA as he is a shelter person who is forced into the rooms. I do not think he has our one prerequisite - a desire to stop drinking. I hope he does get it one day. Either way, I love how wide my community has become. When I was drinking in this same town, my community was limited to my drinking friends. I hardly knew anyone outside of that small bar community. And, half of them, I could not remember their names, though we professed great love and friendship often over a bottle. Today, I can sit for ten minutes on a street corner and say hi to numerous people I have a real bond with - alcoholism. If I sat for another ten minutes, I would likely see or wave to a few more people. Prior to AA, I did not realize how lonely and isolated I was. I think it will be a good idea for me to remember this new aspect of my life if ever the bottle and bar life seems like a good idea.
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Notes -
Sober Thoughts
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Written by sugarmags
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Tuesday, 22 June 2010 02:26 |
I never anticipated that returning to AA could change my outlook on life so quickly and so radically. I think I expected to hear a bunch of old white men moralizing about the evils of drug use and maybe hoped to find one or two cool people to have coffee with at a diner now and again. I am overjoyed to report that this past month that I've been going to meetings I've gotten back a sense of hope from the success stories of the people in the rooms that I've been without for too long. At thirty seven I had come to believe that my best years were behind me and that decades of isolation and misery were all I had to look forward to. I thought the best companionship I could ever hope for was that of the canine variety (while I adore my dog, she still is no substitute for human contact) and that I would die a lonely death in the poorhouse with no loved ones to see me through to the end as naturally I will never find a mate and therefore fail to produce a family of my own. As my addiction wore on these fears of a cursed future took hold of my mind and became convictions. They were yet another rationale for my continued substance abuse. "If this is as good as it gets," I told myself, "I might as well take some relief in the only place where I can find it." I told myself that if other people were as unhappy as I was, they'd naturally drink too. The problem in my mind was that most folks just didn't understand real pain like mine. Talk about self-centered thinking!
Search though I did, my drug use brought me to an empty place where I could no longer find any meaning in life. Keeping my addiction secret forced me to be dishonest and alienated me from my last source of support, my family, and the few friends I had left. Keeping my use secret served to keep me all the more alone, and while there were times when I wanted to get honest with my family about my behavior, that would mean admitting that my using was making my life unmaneageable. I wasn't ready to be forced into any form of treatment again, having been down the road to rehab on more than a few occasions.Once a person with intentions of having a successful carreer and seeing the world, my addiction persuaded me that I could never achieve my aspirations. The past twenty years of my using tells a story of missed chances and squandered opportunities at the hands of drugs and alcohol. It is extremely painful for me to take an honest look back and admit the role that substances played in stunting my personal and professional growth. Every time I would work hard and make some progress with my circumstances i'd pick the drugs up again and tumble hard, like Sisyphus pushing his trusty rock up the hill only to be knocked down time and again before he reached the summit.
One particularly excruciating example of this happened ten years ago when I had returned to school to finish my B.A. I was living on my own in the city and remaining more or less abstinent, getting great grades at an ivy league university. I busted my hump to get accepted into an honors study abroad program in Berlin, Germany, which I ultimately did. I couldn't have been more excited. I loved the German language and was thrilled at this chance to live among native speakers and study in their tongue, hoping to improve my own linguistic abilities. Winning a spot in the program was a really big deal to me and I went into it with all of the intentions of working hard in my studies and soaking up all of the knowledge that I could while being immersed in another culture. One could say that my disease had other plans for me at that time. In the months leading up to my departure I started smoking pot again, thought I could handle it. To make a long story short when I got to Berlin I had trouble socially and found myself seeking a remedy to the old insecurities in my tried and tested methods. Before long I found myself smoking hash 24/7 and partying every night in local cafes. By the end of my stay there it got to where I was smoking upon arising in the morning just to help me face the day and drinking before noon to quell the anxiety which was ironically caused by so much hash. I made little effort towards my schoolwork and it was soon suggested by the deans that I withdraw from the academic program before I failed out. They did not directly confront my behavior but looking back I'm fairly certain that everyone in our school group knew exactly what I was up to. My family was shocked at my dropping out of the program but for them I blamed my poor performance in school on medical problems and acted indignant that my professors had not helped me enough with my work, although I certainly knew better. I left Germany after six months an emotional and physical wreck having seen my dreams of studying at a major European university go up in the smoke on the other end of my hash pipe. This is an episode that stands out in my memory and brings on considerable shame and guilt for the way I wasted that once in a lifetime chance and disappointed myself and others. I have never discussed the truth of the matter with my family and tonight is the first time that I have acknowledged that time in writing. It shocks me in retelling this story how easily addiction is able to rob us of even our most precious goals and contaminate projects undertaken with the most sincere motivations. Being an addict my story is littered with such experiences. Multiple failures eroded my self-esteem and I lost the confidence in myself to believe that I could be successful at anything. My world narrowed to the point that getting through each and every day was a struggle; there was nothing left in me for loftier pursuits. I only felt truly comfortable in the company of those whose problems I perceived to be worse than mine, so that I could hold myself up as stable by comparison. I don't know if I scared all of my "healthy" buddies away over the years or I just stopped reaching out to them when it seemed as if they were all making progress and moving forward in their journeys and I was undeniably stuck. I was merely surviving as opposed to thriving, and I believe I was on the slow path towards my eventual demise from this disease until that fateful day when the miracle happened and I experienced "the kindness of strangers" in the form of an unofficial 12 step call.
The great news that I've been hearing in meetings is that if I stay sober there will be new chances and fresh opportunities of which I will be able to avail myself. This time I'll have the wisdom of the twelve steps as well as my sponsor and the support of the community in the rooms to help me make the most out of the chances that come my way. With these new coping mechanisms I will be able to navigate through stormy weather with a clarity and open mind that my old alcoholic thinking could not afford me. New situations will materialize and there will be people with whom to share my life again if I just keep coming. I hear person after person attest to these miracles at the meetings. My sponsor assures me that the promises of A.A. apply to me, too, although the negative side of me wants to say that such happiness is only meant for others. But at least today I have a little bit of hope, enough of a taste that I want to keep coming back for more. This is only one of the remarkable things that have happened in this tumultuous month since I returned to the program; At times it has been so painful that I didn't think I could bear it and alternately I've found myself laughing along with my new fellows in these unpredictable past weeks, my emotions as labile and reactive as a raw nerve. But my life has shifted in a critical manner in this short time in that I have been shown that I don't have to do it alone anymore. Help is there at the ready should I choose to avail myself of it. I can tell you that I don't ever want to go back to wrestling with my disease on my own; I've proven that one on one I don't stand a chance against its lethal grip. I'm overjoyed that today I've found a much preferable alternative to the slavery of addiction that I've known. Six weeks ago I never would have thought I'd hear myself say it, but I am grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous today and the series of mishaps which gave me the "gift of desperation" that led me to seek refuge within its rooms.
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Last Updated on Friday, 25 June 2010 13:08 |
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Written by Chipper
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Saturday, 19 June 2010 12:02 |
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The title says it all. I thought of it in relationship to my older son and our budding relationship. He's wrestling with God because I'm back in touch with him after a 21 year silence. In fact, he started working with me. In short, his life is getting better because he not only has me back (thank you AA), but the rest of my family who he as only just met. We went from being a lone wolf with despair and isolation as his closest companions to having a father, step mother and about 20 additional biological and step family members. He keeps asking "Why now?" I suggested maybe it's because NOW he needed it the most. Either way, it is, and I for myself I came up with the prayer above to keep things ultra simple and to thwart my natural instincts - things are going great! Time to F it up. |
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Notes -
Saying
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Written by Chipper
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Friday, 11 June 2010 13:34 |
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An alcoholic with a resentment is like a suicide bomber. Only, the suicide bomber knows what he is doing.
- Sally Mark.
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Heard the above this morning as we discussed the 4th step. I, and most of the room, laughed. It came up after I had shared about my previous inability to "forgive". Working the fourth and fifth steps I am more able to forgive people because I learned much of my poor behavior was pure ignorance. Given that, it is highly probable that those who have harmed me were also ignorant of their own behavior. Even if they were not, then they most likely operated out of fear, or some other character defect. So, again, I can forgive more easily because I know how difficult it can be not to succumb to character defects. Prior to learning how to forgive, I continually self destructed and often hurt those around me, not unlike a suicide bomber. Today, I have the twelve steps to guide my life. I no longer have to "explode". Of course, I sometimes still burst, but it is a firecracker in comparison.
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Last Updated on Friday, 11 June 2010 13:37 |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by sugarmags
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Friday, 04 June 2010 02:28 |
Tonight I almost went to the liquor store instead of the meeting. I was really on the fence for the first time in the two weeks since I've been coming back to the rooms. What's more, the friend who has been kind enough to accompany me to so many groups was tied up tonight, so I'd have to muster up the courage to go alone. No small feat for a social phobic like me. I told myself that I could have a couple of bottles of wine delivered and no one would be the wiser- what harm would it really do? Nobody needed to know. It probably didn't help that I had passed the day alone in my apartment save for the company of the "iddy biddy committee" that lives in my head and which had me feeling sorry for myself regarding a particular issue I'm grappling with at the moment. My sponsor even called me and I just shined her on, telling her I was fine because I didn't feel energetic enough to get into a substantive conversation. But at least I made the right decision in the end and got my butt to the meeting. I had a knot in my stomach as I approached, until someone whose face i recognized interrupted his conversation to give me a cheery "hello!" I felt ok after that. The smallest gestures can mean so much when you're coming from a lonely place. As usual, the meeting grounded me and I no longer have the urge to imbibe tonight.
One other thing that really makes me urge is walking by outdoor tables at local restaurants and cafes on these warm summer nights. The other night my friend and I passed by the Elysian cafe. There were twinkling lights and soft music. People were laughing and smiling as they chatted and yes, sipped their pricey wine, beer, and exotic cocktails. I so badly wanted to join them at that moment. Oh, what a life I was missing out on! How I was being cheated! It was so unfair! Truth be told, I had my fair of social drinking, but I have to be honest about what really took place. I was the one who always had too much and ended up embarassing myself by making a scene, or getting sick. And more recently there were no happy friends at my side and no romantic cafe for ambiance. There was just me alone in my apartment with my bottles, phone unplugged to shut out the world and only the dog and re-runs of Law & Order to keep me company. I had to keep my drinking a secret from my family, who presumed (or at least liked to hope, as they had paid for at least half a dozen residential treatment centers) that I was abstinent, as well as most of my friends, so I was living a double life. I hated the situation I was in and I had no idea how to change it. I have to take care not to allow myself not to romanticize the drinking/using days and remember where my addiction ultimately led me, as well as where it will lead me if I continue.
Like many others in recovery, I came back to meetings because I was forced to. Maybe "forced" is a little too strong a term, lets just say I got a lot of pressure from my family. But this time I had a big revelation, which is that I can't get clean alone. I've tried and failed many times. Despite my misgivings about 12step groups, I really dont see any other option.At the very least going to meetings is better than sitting alone in my apartment entertaining that committee sponsored by the disease in my head.In the last two weeks I've met more people than I have in the last two years.And maybe, just maybe, there's something to it, and I'll just have to swap wine at Elysian Cafe for coffee outside Panera.
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Last Updated on Friday, 04 June 2010 17:48 |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by sugarmags
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Wednesday, 02 June 2010 02:33 |
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Can it be? Is it true? Did I actually ENJOY the meeting tonight? The atmosphere was calm and friendly. I only knew one person there very well but I'm starting to recognize some folks that I can approach to chat with before and after and, to my surprise and delight, some people who I didn't remember at all greeted me by name. Although I wasn't that interested in the topic per se, I was content just to sit there and listen. People didn't seem to be spouting slogans or rattling off dogma tonight as much as it seems like they do at some of the other groups I've attended, but maybe I was just in a different frame of mind. Who knows, maybe I actually have a shot at this thing called recovery.
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Last Updated on Wednesday, 02 June 2010 13:14 |
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Notes -
24 Hours A Day
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Written by Chipper
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Sunday, 30 May 2010 11:07 |
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Today's 24 hours defines "praising" God as an act of being grateful for ones life, blessings and being humble because "I know I don't deserve them". I like the first bit, but that last horse sh*t annoys me. Since I am alive, and my purpose is to "Do gods will", do I not deserve Gods blessings? Without Gods blessing how is one supposed to do "Gods will?". Also, given that my understanding of humility is being one who does not think he is better (or less) than anyone else, I particularly do not like that last phrase. I'd like to tell the idiot who wrote it to get over it. You do deserve the blessings God gives you, so long as you are doing Gods will. Be grateful and stop being such a moralizing, negative ass. |
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Notes -
Saying
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Written by Chipper
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Thursday, 27 May 2010 01:51 |
To be brief, this is simply TRUE.
For some reason the past few days I've been hearing some voice from my past saying, "You better straighten up and fly right boy." Whoever is saying that in memory is right, if a bit of brusque ass.
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