an anonymous place to exchange notes about alcoholism & addiction, meet sober friends and build your recovery network

Truth be known, I can only recall trying to quit drinking once with out AA. I just stopped. It lasted about two weeks. The rest of the time I just drank because that is what I wanted to do until the last drink when I decided to go back to AA. I don't know if there is an easier softer way to stay quit. Having listened to the stories of other people, I doubt there is any other way for me. Also, my first year of sobriety was fraught with innumerous ups and downs. If that was the easier softer way, I don't want to risk "another" way. It was terrible in moments. I know now, and then, that it wasn't AA that hurt so much. It was my years of drinking and burying ever kind of emotions in the bottle. When I stopped drinking, all of those emotions started growing like weeds in an untended garden. Some were flowers. Many were toxic vines that strangle everything around them. In the 12 steps I cut those vines and weeds and have a fairly manicured garden now. With the 12 steps I keep the garden weeded, watered and flourishing. I can't imagine letting it go and starting all over again. If I let it go, who is to say I will ever come back and start over? I believe what they say. AA is the easier softer way, at least for me.

Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I have done this, though I'm going back over the 4th and 5th with my second sponsor as there is still some boiling rage and self pity that creeps into my life. In fact, self pity woke last night after a meeting and is with me this morning. Not sure why exactly. Last night was a celebration meeting. After the celebrants spoke, the topic of "Just for today" was selected. After listening to everyone I shared how I was having a great day. Sure, there's life's problems, money, etc, but technically speaking, my life is blessed right now. I have a super-cake job. My wife is exploring Alanon. I'm helping a new comer, my bills are paid and the nanny started a couple weeks back. My most recent son is in good health and a happy baby - in fact he had slept through night last night. I went to two meetings, all was good. To the point of "just for today", I mentioned my anger, hate and rage when I first came back to AA. How, in the first days, I would go to meetings and if some old-timer shared about how f-ing fantastic their sober lives were, I hated them for it. One celebrant had shared about how she could only stare at her toes with self-hate, humiliation and shame when she first came in. I worked off that saying when I first came I would stare at other peoples toes and think to cut them off. In my share, I said, "your toes". I said that to illustrate my point, not that I actually looked at her toes and thought to cut them off. I think people misunderstand my shares. She and her gaggle of sponsee's all avoided me like a psycho-killer. I shared about how a fellow suggested I replace "fear with faith" when I came in. I did that, even though I was roiling in emotional pain. I suggested that if anyone was new and feeling similarly that they have faith in the 12 steps and go to meetings. It does work. I'm proof. I'm not so engulfed with emotional pain and hate anymore. I haven't had a drink in over 14 months. I was having a good day.

After the meeting, I picked my wife up at BBQ of my old friends and we came home. I fed the baby and put him to bed. She and I talked a bit. The topic of feeling loss over not socializing with our old friends as much came up. I went on a mild tear about that. Often I hear of how great the fellowship is and the monstrously good friendships that have risen for other people. I have not experienced that. The only people who reach out to me from the program for just good old friendship are NONE. I have reached out to plenty of people for just socializing and hanging out and am usually told no. My sponsor(s) all have something else to do. My fellows all have something else to do. It, frankly, sucks. My old friends still call, but I don't arrange to be with them most of the time because their lives center so heavily around drinking that I simply can't do it. At the moment I feel like I've given this program a year, and I still don't have any friends except for the homeless guys who I pay to do odd jobs. That's not entirely true. I have one friend that I chat with almost daily after the noon meeting, but we don't socialize outside of the the short ride home after the meeting. My wife feels similarly about the loss of our old friends. We used to socialize three or four nights a week with our old friends. Today, I go to meetings, blog, help other AA's, take care of the baby and do some money work when I have to. This morning I feel like the Judas from the Matrix movie.

In that movie, there is a fellow who betrays the hero. He justified his behavior because he was tired of living the "real" life which was a war against the machines. He consciously chose to return to the illusion of the machine world, even though his body would be sitting in an incubator and his energy being drained for power. He wanted to get plugged back in and at least have the illusion of a real life, have the illusion of eating a real steak and having a full belly and being oblivious to what was really going on.

I feel like today.

But, it's passing in this writing. I read the Daily Reflection and the 24 hours a day book. I meditated and prayed. I wrote this blog. It is passing. Maybe some food and meeting will help. We'll see.

Today's DR speaks to the need of practicing humility and responsibility. The last sentence says, "...care for my fellow man as if each one were my brother." This, of course, rings a gong of panic. I do not care for my brother at all. In fact, I have downright despised him for his alcoholism and drug addiction and rearing of five children, three of which fell into my care at one time pre-AA. Then, I failed terribly. A month before returning to AA, I had tried to have his parental rights terminated. That failed, fortunately. Of course, this is the kettle calling the pot black. Since then, I have sent my brother a Facebook amends, but he has not responded. I am not even sure he has access to the internet at this point. He could be in jail again for all I know. So, practicing humility and responsibility by treating my fellows like my brother would be a terrible disaster. The reason I bring this sardonic point of view to light is when I first came in, I would have dismissed the idea out of hand due to my contempt and hate for him. Obviously, that's not a very sane point of view, nor humble or *responsible. If a new comer is reading this, I just want to say, if you were like me with my out of hand dismissals of anything that reminded me of my own pain, be patient. Keep coming. Work the steps, and you will, "presently live in a new and wonderful world" where the idea and act of living humbly and treating your fellows like brothers, is possible. On that note, I no longer blame or hate my brother for his disease. I feel empathy for him. I pray for him. When the time is right I will make a face to face amends, until then, I practice humility to the best of my abilities and I accept responsibility for my own life.

*Note: I am NOT responsible for my brother, or anyone else's sobriety. I am responsible for my own sobriety and to help assure the hand of AA is always there should other people want it, but I, and no other AA, is responsible for anyone else's sobriety. That is up to the individual and God.

That's a good thing. I'm generally not happy, so it's good that the point of AA life is not to be be "happy". Though, writing the previous comment with all it's intended sarcasm did make me smile. Ut-oh, was that a moment of happiness?

Conversely, I don't think the point of the AA life is to be unhappy either.

I agree with what today's reading says: "When pain comes, we are expected to learn from it willingly, and help others learn. when happiness comes, we accept it as a gift and thank God for it."

Though, every time I read that I think the whole thing could be turned around and be equally true.

"When happiness comes we are expected to learn from it willingly and help others learn. When pain comes, we accept it as a gift and thank God for it."

I say that because my arrival into AA was very painful, but through that pain I have learned to forgive, which I can no longer live without, and in some cases been forgiven. Without that pain I would not have been willing to work the twelve steps. Without that pain, I wouldn't know the pursuit of happiness in material things is a lie. Without that pain, I don't think I would be human, which I certainly wasn't when I pursued happiness through the bottle and acquiring the next toy.

Today, happiness, if you want to call it that, comes in accepting the responsibility of my own life, not drinking, and doing the next right thing.

Many of the stories I hear in the rooms are those of severely low bottoms. People of have lost everything including a true and deep inability to stop drinking. One fellows bottom included waking to bloody vomit and diarrhea. While in such a condition, he would guzzle vodka to stop the shakes. I never had that, thank God. However, I must say, I see exactly where I was heading. I have absolute faith that is where my drinking was taking me, if not worse. Additionally, I was at an emotional bottom. I hated everyone and everything. All my blessings were vile to me: My wife, my house, my job, all people, life, the world. After I quit drinking, this hate actually became magnified for awhile. However, working the steps, going to meetings, being of service, prayer and meditation have relieved much of my horror at life. I am finding some joy and happiness at intervals longer than my emotional benders. Is it a new dimension? Yes. It's mostly a dimension of quiet serenity. It's a calm and a peace. It's an acceptance. Here is an example. This morning I was consoling the baby who was a bit off schedule. As I rocked him in his carriage, the drunk in my guts was screaming, "I don't want this. I want to be free to do what I want when I want, blah, blah, blah." I recognized what the drunk was saying, and so countered with a prayer, "God. I want what is. I want whatever is in front of me to do. I want to take care of my son." Being proactive in my thoughts, being contrary to the drunk in my guts who never is satisfied, worked. I continued consoling my son and he went back to sleep. Is that a radical new dimension of existence? Maybe not for the normal person, but for a drunk who had sunk to the point of hating everything and only ever thinking to arrange his life for the next binge, yes. It is new dimension. If I stay close and active in the fellowship, I'm sure life will continue with an unfolding serenity and I need never experience a bloody vomit morning cocktail.

The writer states as a matter of fact, that working the twelve steps taught him/her to be "my own best friend". Sounds nice. I can't say that is exactly true for myself. Of course, I am much nicer to myself in so much as I don't drink anymore or use drugs. That's a very good friend to myself indeed. I think the problem I have with today's reading is that I don't really know how to be a "good friend" nor how to truly love someone else other than trying not to be an ass to people. Yes, that's a good start, but is simply not being an ass enough? Is that love? I suppose as I continue in this AA life, I will learn more. "More will be revealed."

Unfortunately, I have to agree with todays reading. AA is not a cure all for everything. It's been a great starting point for me, but upon reflection of the previous days entry, and other moments of my sobriety, no, AA has not cured all my emotional strife. I am starting to accept that I need more help in more areas of my life than just AA and alcoholism. For starters, I can't quit smoking and that really does bother me. It is slowly killing me. As much as I would like to deny it, cigarette smoking is slow suicide. I cling to that with as much fervor as I did my drink and more so. However, AA and the 12 steps has helped me see stop drinking and to see my nicotine addiction for what it is - insanity and addiction. It is more so death than drinking. Yet, I smoke and I smoke and I smoke. Enough whining about that though. AA has, with dialy practice, removed my drinking obsession and that is the starting point of the rest of my spiritual growth.

....we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty or self-seeking motives...

The writer of todays Daily Reflection expounds upon the above idea found in the Big Book of AA. Early in my sobriety, I picked up on the above as well. Though they recommend working the steps in order, and the above is from the 10th step, I started using the idea in my daily prayers within a couple months, well before I got to the 10th step. You see, I was in so much pain and confusion, I needed to take some practical action ASAP which included going to meetings, being of service (coffee commitment) and praying in the morning and night, along with "formal" step work. If asked, I would recommend to any new comer the same. I found it useful almost immediately. Now having worked the steps, I noticed the first part of the idea. "God to direct our thinking". I haven't ever prayed for that. I just asked that I not be full of self-pity, dishonesty and self-seeking as I thought about my coming day. It has helped, but starting tomorrow, I will include that idea that God "direct" my thinking and see what happens. I suspect my thinking will get better.

This reading mentions how we are "brothers in our defects" vs virtue. It goes on to say how the writer never cared for anyone or anything before AA. I am inclined to agree because of my tendency to self destructive grandiosity, but that's simply not true. I have cared for other people in my past, pre AA. It's just that as my drinking progressed, I became less and less able to care for other people's well being. Also, I disagree that we are brothers in defects. My brotherhood of defects occurred at the bar and that lifestyle. We magnified and validated each others defects. Today, my fellowship does not do that. Ill behavior is tolerated as the spiritual sickness that it is, but not validated. My fellowship strives to nurture the better parts of me, my virtues - patience, tolerance, kindness, love, selflessness, etc. To me, these are what the 12 steps are all about and, frankly, I'm tired of constantly focusing on the negative aspects of my personality. This is not to say I forget them, or deny that I have character defects, it's just I did not get sober to walk around with a fear of self and others, and feel worthless because I'm nothing but a walking character defect. If I wanted to do that, I could have stayed in the bars. However, there are those in the program who need to cling to such negative things. If it keeps them sober, good for them. Who am I to say otherwise? Myself, I like to think we are flawed human beings, like everyone else, and what makes our brotherhood, our fellowship a beautiful thing is that we acknowledge our character defects and strive daily to be better human beings. That is what gives me hope and strength. That is what I love in this program. That is how I want to live the rest of my life, a day at a time.

"Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there." That is the saying the DR commentary begins with today. That's the first time I read that. My first thought is the quote was saying there was no faith. As I continued reading the commentary, they mentioned that that saying illustrates that fear is an illusion. It clicked then, at least the meaning of the saying. "Fear knocked. Faith answered, looked outside and no one was there." Of course, then, I added, "someone was playing ding dong ditch. Little bastards." In writing this out, I've thought, "Faith is paranoid and hearing things." That, of course, is not very AA. I don't think faith is paranoid. I am. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of being sad. I am afraid of being found out that underneath all my pretty words and mask of serenity I'm a fake. No, I have not had a drink. But there is this irrational fear that I somehow don't deserve to be serene. That I don't deserve to be joyful. That I don't deserve sobriety. That I should just be an animal crawling through the gutter of life looking for the next drink, the next fix, the next self destructive thing. Curious all that. I remember when I first came into AA, a fellow who I would later despise for his self righteous Big Book thumping said to me, "You have to replace fear with faith." At the time I latched on to that. Based on previous experience of AA, despite my lack of understanding of how it works, I did and do have faith that this program works, even though I had relapsed for 12 years. The program didn't fail me, I failed in practicing the program. Once back, I kept going to meetings and working the steps despite my fear of sobriety and seemingly endless paranoid fears. Of course, I have to be honest. I stuck around in part because I was afraid, am afraid, to go back out. I don't want to be the drunk hate-full man anymore. I don't want to be screaming in meetings anymore. I don't want to be having psychotic tantrums in the bathrooms. I don't want to frighten my wife, or children or friends with my volcanic rage. I don't want to have to make amends to anyone ever again. I am afraid to drink, and some day's that's all I've got and that's plenty. Not all fear is unhealthy. So, today I think, Fear and love are independent things. My drinking turned my healthy fear into crippling paranoia, hate and rage. The Love found in God, in the rooms of AA, has restored, is restoring, my fear to its normal, healthy size and proportion.