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Drunken sex addict atheist |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by Chipper
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Monday, 16 August 2010 13:05 |
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The speaker today spoke of his quality of faith in the end of drinking days. One night he heard God, who sounded like Darth Vader. He scrambled drunkenly down to the local Church and lay a twenty dollar before the cross. In the
morning, when the craving struck and he remembered what he had done, he
ran back to the Church and stole his twenty dollars back. Of course,
many of us in the room laughed. Curiously, stolen tithing's aside, he wound up in AA shortly after the Darth Vader night and now has close to twenty years of sobriety.
At the end of his share, he suggested "rigorous honesty" as the
discussion topic. If the moment came, which it didn't, I thought would
share the following.
Last night I watched two movies. One was about Viking converted to
Christians setting out to reclaim Jerusalem. In their journey, they became lost at sea. Though they prayed, they wound up in America and were killed by natives.
The second movie I watched ended happily. However, in the last seconds of the film, static and fuzz like bad tv reception, proved the happy ending a virtual reality dream. Earlier in the movie the hero was beaten unconscious and his friend-enemy plugged him into an artificial reality machine. Though the hero was a vegetable on a table, in his mind he lived a happy end.
Thoughts of these two movies swirled in my head this morning. Prior to
watching the movies last night I made a Facebook amends with a childhood
friend-enemy. I do not know if he received the message or not. True to
my character defect of lust and sex-stress-relief, I used pornography
after the amends. Untrue to my character defect of self hate and
loathing, I watched the movies instead of twisting on the knife of guilt
and shame and picking up a drink.
However, thoughts swirled this morning and I found myself in a panic about my paranoid interpretations of both movies:
One - God does not exist. Prayer or not, Christian or
not, we all die a barbaric death.
Two - My sobriety is just a happy illusion I'm living because I'm too weak willed to make a success of my life like my friend-enemy from childhood. (The man I made amends to last night has, from all outward appearances, a happy, successful life of material blessings and matrimonial bliss.)
As these thoughts swirled I recognized my own insanity. I was justifying my own behavior of using pornography to deny God. I prayed before using the porn, felt strong enough to leave it alone, but did not. I was, as they say, taking back my will by practicing old behavior. Every time I make a difficult amends, I tend to use porn as an act of defiance against my new way of life. To be "rigorously honest", I have to admit my behaviour is wrong and I need help. In addition to being an alcoholic, I am a sex addict. Fortunately, there is a program for that as well, though meetings do not occur as frequently. Even so, I knew what to do with the morning chaos of my mind. I said a prayer to remove my atheist thinking and fear that God and prayer is a just
virtual reality. I went to a meeting.
Afterwards, as usual, I felt better and am more willing to live a life of faith versus being a drunken sex addict atheist.
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Cafe Illusions |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by sugarmags
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Friday, 04 June 2010 02:28 |
Tonight I almost went to the liquor store instead of the meeting. I was really on the fence for the first time in the two weeks since I've been coming back to the rooms. What's more, the friend who has been kind enough to accompany me to so many groups was tied up tonight, so I'd have to muster up the courage to go alone. No small feat for a social phobic like me. I told myself that I could have a couple of bottles of wine delivered and no one would be the wiser- what harm would it really do? Nobody needed to know. It probably didn't help that I had passed the day alone in my apartment save for the company of the "iddy biddy committee" that lives in my head and which had me feeling sorry for myself regarding a particular issue I'm grappling with at the moment. My sponsor even called me and I just shined her on, telling her I was fine because I didn't feel energetic enough to get into a substantive conversation. But at least I made the right decision in the end and got my butt to the meeting. I had a knot in my stomach as I approached, until someone whose face i recognized interrupted his conversation to give me a cheery "hello!" I felt ok after that. The smallest gestures can mean so much when you're coming from a lonely place. As usual, the meeting grounded me and I no longer have the urge to imbibe tonight.
One other thing that really makes me urge is walking by outdoor tables at local restaurants and cafes on these warm summer nights. The other night my friend and I passed by the Elysian cafe. There were twinkling lights and soft music. People were laughing and smiling as they chatted and yes, sipped their pricey wine, beer, and exotic cocktails. I so badly wanted to join them at that moment. Oh, what a life I was missing out on! How I was being cheated! It was so unfair! Truth be told, I had my fair of social drinking, but I have to be honest about what really took place. I was the one who always had too much and ended up embarassing myself by making a scene, or getting sick. And more recently there were no happy friends at my side and no romantic cafe for ambiance. There was just me alone in my apartment with my bottles, phone unplugged to shut out the world and only the dog and re-runs of Law & Order to keep me company. I had to keep my drinking a secret from my family, who presumed (or at least liked to hope, as they had paid for at least half a dozen residential treatment centers) that I was abstinent, as well as most of my friends, so I was living a double life. I hated the situation I was in and I had no idea how to change it. I have to take care not to allow myself not to romanticize the drinking/using days and remember where my addiction ultimately led me, as well as where it will lead me if I continue.
Like many others in recovery, I came back to meetings because I was forced to. Maybe "forced" is a little too strong a term, lets just say I got a lot of pressure from my family. But this time I had a big revelation, which is that I can't get clean alone. I've tried and failed many times. Despite my misgivings about 12step groups, I really dont see any other option.At the very least going to meetings is better than sitting alone in my apartment entertaining that committee sponsored by the disease in my head.In the last two weeks I've met more people than I have in the last two years.And maybe, just maybe, there's something to it, and I'll just have to swap wine at Elysian Cafe for coffee outside Panera.
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Last Updated on Friday, 04 June 2010 17:48 |
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An Unbelievable Development |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by sugarmags
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Wednesday, 02 June 2010 02:33 |
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Can it be? Is it true? Did I actually ENJOY the meeting tonight? The atmosphere was calm and friendly. I only knew one person there very well but I'm starting to recognize some folks that I can approach to chat with before and after and, to my surprise and delight, some people who I didn't remember at all greeted me by name. Although I wasn't that interested in the topic per se, I was content just to sit there and listen. People didn't seem to be spouting slogans or rattling off dogma tonight as much as it seems like they do at some of the other groups I've attended, but maybe I was just in a different frame of mind. Who knows, maybe I actually have a shot at this thing called recovery.
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Last Updated on Wednesday, 02 June 2010 13:14 |
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Lunatics Dancing |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by Chipper
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Saturday, 22 May 2010 22:53 |
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The topic of todays speaker meeting was "sponsorship."
After the meeting, a friend asked if a new comer could join
MySoberNotes.com and post her earlier sobriety thoughts. Of course, my
first suggestion was that she get a sponsor and start writing her twelve
steps. But the site is public and if she wants to contribute, she is
welcome.
A few moment later, I was talking to her, the friend and another woman
from the rooms. She mentioned how she likes to write when the
"committee" of voices in her head lets her. I mentioned how I keep the
"committee of lunatics" in my head quarantined through prayer,
meditation, working the steps with a sponsor and sharing at meetings. I
pointed out that not everything should be shared publicly. Some things
should only be shared with a sponsor who respects the sacredness of
confession, which the fourth and fifth step are. A good sponsor knows
the important thing is the act of confession, not what is said. However,
what is said, must be true. The rewards for me have been a deepening
humility and freedom from the compulsion to drink. To that point I
mentioned how my sponsor had similar experiences as myself and was not
judgmental during my fifth step. I stressed that you can and should be
willing to confess the worst, darkest secret of your life, not matter
how vile or depraved. I said, "It doesn't matter if you raped a dog
and ate a baby. I know that's gross and vile, but that's how willing and
honest you should be in your fourth and fifth steps."
Suddenly, I felt incredibly embarrassed. I added, "I never did that. I
just said it to illustrate my point."
"You had to go there." the other woman said, shook her head and started
drifting away.
"Sure you didn't." The friend said and took a jovial step back.
Fear squeezed my stomach.
The quarantined lunatics came alive.
"Fool! You proved yourself a fool again. These people will never talk to
you again! They'll tell everyone how sick you are, and no one, not even
drunks will be your friend. Loser! Loser! Loser!"
The lunatics chanted and danced in my guts.
I felt scared. In my bohemian drug days I believed that an artist
should be willing to explore every sacred and profane thought and
feeling in their heart and mind. Though I never raped a dog or ate a
baby, there is plenty of other sickness in my story. Speaking so bluntly
awakened a swirl of emotions from those days. However, before the
feelings of fear crumbled me on the sidewalk like a dirty brown bag
stained with grease and gin, I excused myself.
"I have to go. Nice meeting. I hope I haven't frightened you away from
AA."
The new comer said "No."
I have no idea if she was being true, or just polite.
I walked away, quickly.
I took care of some business and wrote this post.
The lunatics have quieted down.
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Intellectual reservations vs. good feelings |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by sugarmags
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Saturday, 22 May 2010 20:12 |
I'm trying to get sober (again) and right now it looks as though AA is my only chance. Part of me has serious misgivings about coming back to the program after years of swearing that I never would. But circumstances being what they are today, I certainly need the help. I share my doubts and misgivings here not to piss anybody off or create controversy but perhaps to get some constructive feedback or an alternate point of view. I readily admit that at times I tend to over intellectualize and over analyze matters. Please do me the courtesy of reading my entire statement even if you object to some of my thoughts and are tempted to quickly dismiss me as just another naysayer, and try to keep an open mind. You'll see that my opinions eventually come full circle and that I actually have positive as well as negative feelings about what goes on in the rooms.
One of my primary objections to the structure of AA and other 12 step groups is that their guidelines employ a normative belief system.While on one hand the teachings purport that alcoholism is an incurable disease, in practice drinking or using drugs is perceived as a weakness of character. Despite its claims to having a medical model like any other illness, when an individual relapses his or her actions are inevitably blamed on something lacking in their "program", i.e., not attending enough meetings, failure to adhere to the steps, forgetting to constantly keep a "moral" inventory, a lack of "willingness" to listen to the suggestions of those with more sober time, or not sticking with the so-called "winners" in the group. (Just the fact that people are labeled "winners" and "losers" is highly moralistic. And who gets to decide who is labeled a "winner" vs. a "loser" anyway? In my experience it's largely a popularity contest.) Basically, the alcoholic is ultimately held accountable for letting the "disease" get the best of him. The literature also talks of unfortunate individuals who are "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." Though it states that these poor folks are "not at fault" for their condition, they are obviously viewed as lesser mortals who deserve the pity of the group. This creates an automatic excuse as to why the program doesn't work for some people. It's never something lacking in the structure, or that the rigid structure is only compatible with certain personality types, it's simply "oh, they just must have been constitutionally incapable, those poor souls." I find that the much lauded disease concept and the reality of the moralizing that occurs "in the rooms" are in direct contradiction with one another.
Another aspect of the program that I grapple with is all of this hubbub about "taking direction" and "following suggestions." (Someone shared in the meeting yesterday that when people ordered him to "get a sponsor" he felt like telling them to screw off. I could really relate to that sentiment.)It is as if they are trying to convince you that you are incapable of making any decision on your own. You're expected to bow to the experience and wisdom of members with longer sober time than you, as if the sole length of their abstinence qualifies them to dispense advise on all of life's problems. This may make sense if the direction they offer has to do with the ways and means of achieving a sober lifestyle, to that end they've succeeded, but there are a lot of "old timers" in the fellowship that I wouldn't go to for advice about my relationships, finances, family matters, or career. The ability to stay on the wagon doesn't instantly imbue a person with special powers or increase their I.Q., although some AAs maddeningly seem to believe otherwise. Some in recovery feel that they need to replace their negative addiction with a positive one and make meetings their new "habit." Indeed there are folks who become dependent on the meetings themselves, fearing that they can't live without them and if they try, something terrible will undoubtedly ensue. The dominant message sent by the fellowship encourages this dependence while undermining participants sense of self confidence.
In AA, repetition is the name of the game. I heard a gentleman share the other day that there isn't an original thought to be found in the program. The same readings are read aloud at the beginning of every meeting, until those who regularly attend can't help but know them by heart. Perhaps the most disturbing thing to me is that AAs slowly learn to adopt a grand narrative that informs the way they view and communicate their past experiences. The formula is simple: "what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now." The expectation is that everything (including personal accomplishments and positive life events) and everyone that was associated with one's life prior to getting sober has been somehow stained by the disease and must be condemned and disavowed.When speaking of their abuse history AAs learn by example to denigrate themselves and their behavior. It is only after one's "rebirth" into the sobriety that a person's actions have any legitimacy. It's a very black and white model. Although I admit that I suffer from an addiction and am powerless over my substance use, I don't believe that all of my drug experiences were negative. ( Indulge me in a short digression: To the contrary of the popular AA mindset, I don't renounce all of my drug experiences.I know that I gained some valuable insights from using mind altering substances that continue to inform the way I perceive my reality and the world around me today.It can be argued that when used appropriately can foster creativity, and examples of this can be found in the art world as well as the music realm, although I admit that this is probably the exception rather than the rule. [In the interest of self disclosure, I must be honest and confess that when I got high I generally sedated myself to where I was hardly able to do anything more than zone out on tv- I certainly never found myself motivated to work on some creative masterpiece.] Whether my drug-induced revelations were worth the price I paid is up for debate, but despite all of the bad times I learned a great deal and I don't think I'd go back and change anything.) I get the feeling from what I hear in meetings that substance use in and of itself is somehow amoral and I can't bring myself to subscribe to that philosophy. The guilt I feel over my addiction has much more to do with the pain I caused other people, my dishonesty in dealings with my loved ones as well as myself, and the wreckage I brought to my life, than the the sheer fact of consuming illicit chemicals, chemicals, an act which to me is value-neutral. I wanted to feel better and the only way I knew how was to pop a pill or take a drink. I'm afraid that these sentiments don't dovetail with popular opinion amongst program members.
But getting back to the issue of the aforementioned grand narrative, I find that program members stories start to sound eerily similar as they conform to the "groupthink" that dominates the rooms. Newcomers are encouraged to echo the attitudes and sentiments of their AA "elders." Slogans and jargon are bandied about like ping pong balls as oversimplified solutions to complex problems.Free thinking and certainly dissenting opinions are discouraged. The group has a built in weapon against anyone who questions the doctrines- anyone who disagrees must be stuck in his disease and just doesn't "get it," it being the AA truths. Such "unfortunates" are undoubtedly "dry drunks" who are "unwilling" to "take direction" (there are those words again!) and honestly "work a program." If you have a problem with AA it must be your fault, and you may be quickly dismissed as being in denial. As I will explain, I have experienced first hand the deep disdain of AAs for voicing alternative beliefs to the commonly accepted mentality and had people I thought were my compatriots in recovery turn against me in a harsh way. Although there is no sound basis for it, the majority of AA members tend to be threatened by the slightest criticism or challenge to what is widely held to be an infallible formula for recovery, as if it had been handed down by the Almighty himself rather than developed by very real and imperfect human beings. (As far as I know the program operates exactly as it has since its inception in 1935; there is never any talk of implementing changes or considering how it could be improved in any way.) This ability to discount its challengers allows the majority of the AA population to blindly follow the teachings of the program without ever stopping to really examine or question its potential flaws.
The morality embedded in the culture of AA as well as the repeated use of slogans and jargon to mold people's experience and contribute to a sort of singular group consciousness and redefine the way people see themselves and their life histories, as well as the notion of participants being saved by the group and welcomed into a new life is reminiscent makes me see the program as a type of religion. The group's founder, Bill Wilson, is revered as almost a saint by the members and I have actually seen paintings of him bathed in golden light like a god as he is depicted going through his "spiritual awakening" which all AAs are supposed to experience on their journey through recovery. While the guidelines teach that an unspecified, non-denominational higher-power is the key to achieving a serenity in life, the traditions of the group are clearly rooted in the Judeo-Christian legacy, as is evidenced by the choice of the opening and closing prayers recited at the beginning and end of each meeting. This is comfortable for me as a cultural Catholic, but I haven't noticed any Muslims in the rooms throughout my years of coming and going. It occurs to me that the bulk of AA membership is disproportionately white in contrast with the statistics as to which ethnic groups have suffer from addiction, although maybe this has to do with the locations of the meetings I've frequented. But it is worth considering if the structure of the sober community as it exists today is at all alienating to minorities. It was, after all, designed by white males originally for white males. Taking all of these factors into account, I find the most problematic aspect of the program's workings to be the resistance to criticism of the doctrines and dissenting opinions, is down right cult like in practice. (I'm not the first person to make these observations, just take a look on the internet.)The out-of-hand rejection and labeling of anyone who renounces some or all of the group teachings and beliefs is a big red flag for me and begs the question: Do I need to sacrifice my individuality and sense of self in order to stay sober?
In light of all I've said, I am more than a little trepidatious about publishing my doubts on this website. My intent is not to offend anyone, but at best to maybe spark a thoughtful dialogue and at least to make people stop and think for a minute. My observations are not a knee jerk reaction but are based on my attendance at literally hundreds of meetings, as well as participation in at least half a dozen twelve-step based treatment facilities over fifteen years. At one point way back in the early 90's I was sober and active in the program for two years. But, then one day while sitting in a meeting I just couldn't take the jargons and the slogans and the groupthink anymore and a voice inside my head said "these people sound like they're all brainwashed." I carry a huge resentment over that because most of my so-called AA "friends" highly disapproved of my decision to stop attending meetings, labeled my reasoning as "sick" and all but shunned me even though I remained abstinent for another year. They spread rumors about me and I was even told that there was a betting pool over how long it would take before I relapsed. To me their reaction to my rejection of the program is proof of what I'm trying to say about dissenting opinions not only not being tolerated but actively condemned and attacked. Losing that support system really hurt and I can see now how it gave me the perfect excuse to turn my back on recovery and justify eventually picking up. I told myself I wanted no part of such an organization. Those events took place in 1991 and although I've made some half-hearted attempts to return to the rooms since that time, I've never been able to embrace it in the way that I once had or bring myself to trust its members again in any meaningful way.Nor have I been able to stay sober for any protracted period of time, despite my best efforts and good intentions, which is the heart of my dilemma.
Some people reading this will no doubt say that my refusal to participate in the program and rejection of its mores is merely the workings of my disease creating an obstacle to keep me in denial and prevent me from getting clean. You may be right. I'm conflicted now because I've reached a point where my drinking and drugging has taken me to a dangerous place. I have finally admitted that I cannot stay clean on my own willpower, which I insisted on trying to do for years. My using has brought me to a place of almost total isolation-the days of social partying, or "partying" at all are long gone and now its all about sneaking wine into my apartment to consume with only the company of the dog and cable television as well as ordering pills over the internet. Once a very social person, I have created a very insular existence for myself and if I let it I believe it will kill me. In spite of all of the issues I've discussed here at this point I see the program as my only option. My friends and family don't know what to tell me anymore, and along with the professsionals they've been urging me to give the fellowship another try. I think I've finally reached that point.
I don't mean to imply here that I don't recognize the positive aspects of the program. I have seen firsthand how it radically changed the lives of two close family members, all for the better. It is unequivocally the most successful treatment model for addiction that exists today, which is why it is the treatment format of choice for both private and state-run recovery facilities. I never publicly condemned its message or tried to lure my recovering peers away from the rooms with my ideas. I merely explained that it just didn't work for me. There is also much to be said of the socializing that goes on outside the formal meetings. Recovering people will go above and beyond to help one another out in a way I've never witnessed in any other group. Who else is happy to answer the phone at 3am and talk a friend out of a meltdown or get out of bed to stop someone from picking up? I've experienced the strong, loving, bonds that form in the rooms as a result of shared experience and pain, I can only hope that I have the chance to build such friendships again if I can build up the necessary courage to reach out which is something I've all but ceased to do since I built myself this prison of isolation over the past years.
I had my last drink on Wednesday night and then mustered up the nerve to reach out to a sober acquaintance who generously escorted me to meetings on Thursday and Friday. I felt encouraged by the positive energy I felt at the two different groups, and, as always, the members were friendly and welcoming. I found I could relate to the comments of the speakers and others that shared. Although I was afraid to say anything myself, part of me wanted to raise my hand and plea "please help me!" For the first time in a long, long, while I felt like I was in an environment where I was accepted for who I am, which is an addict, and I didn't need to disguise or lie about my behavior as I've been doing with my family so much these past months. There radiated a sense of compassion and hope rather than judgement and doom. I've always "felt" comfortable in the meeting environment surrounded by other addicts, it is my "thinking" about the paradigm which has kept me away. The last two nights I listened carefully to what people had to say and this time I allowed myself to hear more than just slogans and catch phrases this time. In a one on one conversation with a kind listener I unburdened myself of all the secrets and anxieties and shame that I've been holding onto these past months and which have been fueling my destructive pattern of self-medicating. These combined activities of listening and sharing over the past few days spawned a visceral reaction; I feel 100% lighter as the weight of trying to manage it all by myself is being lifted from my shoulders. I've had more socializing in the past two days than I allowed myself in a long time, and it feels really, really, good. One thing is for sure, being in the company of other human beings certainly beats sitting alone in my apartment, left alone to battle all of my anxieties and negative thoughts while putting poison in my body. That's not living. So at the second meeting where people were sharing about sponsorship I even went so far as to ask the dynamic speaker if she would consider being my temporary sponsor, and she agreed! For all of the time I've logged in the rooms, I never really had a sponsor or earnestly worked the steps. (I guess I figured I could reap the benefits by osmosis :) I figure if I'm going to try this thing again I need to take the plunge and do it the right way, giving it 100%. I can't bear the thought that I'll be going to meetings for the rest of my life, but I can certainly go for today and hopefully get a little comfort and serenity in the process, as well as the company of understanding fellows with similar issues, which I need more than anything. I've been told that I can take what I need from the message of the fellowship as tools to stay clean and leave the rest at the door. I'm hoping I can find a way to stop over THINKING my reservations with regards to the structure of the institution and focus on the love and wisdom that I FEEL as it passes through the rooms. My best instincts tell me that therein there is hope to be found, so I'm going to try my best. Thanks for listening.
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Last Updated on Saturday, 22 May 2010 21:22 |
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New Temporary Sponsee |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by Chipper
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Thursday, 29 April 2010 20:04 |
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Met with a new temporary sponsee today. I say temporary as I'm his temporary sponsor until he can find someone with more time than I. I've only got 14 or so months back after a 12 year relapse. I personally choose sponsor(s) for myself with at least 3 years of sobriety or more. Seems I shouldn't be more than a temporary sponsor to anyone based on my own experience of getting sober. Anyway, good stuff. He shared his story. I shared mine, then walked him through the first three steps. He said yes to them all, if with a little skepticism about what God is and if God will help him. I suggested that God could simply be believing in the self-evident facts of AA.
1) The group of people in our home group, and AA as a whole is greater than him.
2) This group of people flatly declare God and the principles of AA have restored their sanity and made sober, decent human beings out of the wreckage of their alcoholic / addicted lives.
3) They all can live without alcohol or drugs not matter what life throws at them: Failures, success, divorce, marriage, children, death, etc.
"Some of the people in AA." He stipulated.
"Fine. I agree. Some people in AA are just grifters looking for an easy mark. They don't work the program at all. But, those are not the people we're talking about. There are plenty of grifters outside AA as well. It's the other, sane, sober, well balanced people who have manageable lives and do not drink or drug, and they all say it's God."
"Ok. I believe that."
"Ok. Good. You can clarify that for yourself as you move through the program."
I also took the time to point out I am not better than him, and NOT to put me, or any AA or person on a pedestal. I will disappoint him at some point. I didn't say that to shirk responsibility, but it is possible and wanted him to know that. He might call me sometime in a desperate moment and I might not be able to answer the phone. In early sobriety, that can be an "excuse" to relapse. I suggested that if such a situation arises, just call the next person in his network, go to a meeting and I will call when I can. He wasn't happy about it, but he said ok and seemed somewhat relieved that I wasn't giving him a song and dance about the perfectness of myself or others in the program. We're all flawed and make mistakes. The only perfect thing is God, and everything and everyone else is a work in progress. The beauty of AA is we as a collective group are conscious of our flaws and striving to live by 12 simple steps. I don't know of any other organization in the world that is so open. I love AA.
Anyway, it was a good start. I suggested he read up to the 3rd step in the Big Book, underline what is important to him, or what he has questions about, and then we'd read it together and formally take the 3rd step.
I also pointed out that I pray my acceptance of being an alcoholic and ask for sanities return every day, twice a day. I pointed out that I also say the 3rd step prayer everyday twice a day among other prayers. For me the twelve steps are NOT a one time thing. They are a daily practice.
He said OK and seemed a bit lighter than when we started.
He went about his day, and so have I.
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Let go winter leaves |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by Chipper
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Monday, 12 April 2010 18:36 |
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Missed the formal meeting this morning, but had a sidewalk chat with a friend from the rooms for an hour or so. The conversation inspired the following.
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Two recovery friends walked down a winter street. The new comer lamented about the meeting they had just left.
"Let go and let God and the promises will come true. Crap. I don't need promises. I need a guarantee."
The friend said, "The only guarantee is if you don't drink, you won't get drunk."
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Most important right from wrong |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by Chipper
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Saturday, 10 April 2010 13:33 |
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A woman spoke at a meeting yesterday. She had a good share. In it, she expressed how she doesn't believe in the blame shifting that often occurs in the new-comer.
"My parents were horrible people and so I became an alcoholic. That's crap. By age 15 I knew right from wrong and it's my fault that I kept drinking and drugging until I was 50 years old."
That's true. For me it was 40.
I understand that idea completely, and do agree on the idea of general right and wrong related to social norms and morality. I also agree that my behavior is not my parents fault, especially after the age of 15, if
not before, if ever. However, it occurs to me this morning, that I did not know the most important right from wrong.
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Stupid Jesus fear text message |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by Chipper
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Tuesday, 06 April 2010 12:20 |
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Got a Jesus fear text message today. It read,
"One day a dad comes home drunk, takes out a shotgun and kills his wife, then himself. Their daughter was hiding behind the couch. The police came and she was placed with a new family. The first day at Sunday school, she sees a picture of Jesus, and asked, "How did that man get off the cross?"
"He didn't." She was told.
"Yes, he did." She protested, "The night mommy and daddy died, he sat with me behind the couch and said everything would be all right."
The text message continues.
"66% of you will NOT forward this. But, remember the Bible says, 'Deny me in front of your friends, and I will deny you in front of my father.' Send this to ten people if you're not ashamed of your holy father. Do not send it to the person you got it from! CUZ I already did my part now its ur turn."
I responded to the person who sent it to me:
"My God is NOT one of fear and guilt. My God says, 'Keep coming back and give freely what was given to you.'"
Those sayings are common phrases heard in the rooms. Though, it is curious to note The FREELY part of the saying above is lifted from the bible: "Freely you have received, freely give" Mathew 10:8.
Hmm.
Either way I did not forward it because Christ won't deny me God. I know today that I am the one who has denied me God, Christ, and all the rest. I am the one who sneered, and jeered and downed a beer, a shot, a line and twenty five years of my life. Christ, God and all the rest have been sitting by waiting for me to stop being an ass. They are ever waiting, and wanting for me to do the next right thing: To stop denying their existence because denial makes it easier to sin and be a pig. No, today I do not deny God, Christ, or that I am an alcoholic. I may grumble about it, but I don't deny it.
Thank God for AA.
Thank God for stupid, fear based text messages about Christ,
they help clarify my feelings about God and sobriety.
Thank God for Christ, the bible and even the church,
though it be riddled with sin, just like me.
Thank God I'm alive and have a chance to be a better man.
Thank god, thank god, thank god for everything.
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More diligence than drinking |
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Notes -
Meetings Notes
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Written by Chipper
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Tuesday, 06 April 2010 02:40 |
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I was asked to speak at a meeting tonight. Getting to speak was arduous. First, the meeting was delayed for an hour. Then, two minutes into my share, the fire alarm went off. Literally. We all filed out like school children. After the four fire trucks and a police car left (it was a false alarm) half of the meeting returned. The chairman made a side comment that had this been a bar, and there were drinks on the table, everyone would have returned. I resumed my share with that. In my drinking days I certainly would have waited and returned to finish my drink and a dozen more. So, if I want sobriety, I need to practice the same amount of diligence and perseverance. In truth, I actually practice this program with more diligence. My wife pointed that out the other day. I spend more time in AA, than I did in the bars. It's hard on her sometimes, but we both accept that it's easier, and much, much, better than when I was bing drinking three to four nights a week. Instead of coming home at who-knows-when, and in who-knows-what kind of mood, I come home shortly after the meetings, and 99% of the time in a better mood than when I left.
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