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| Cafe Illusions |
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| Notes - Meetings Notes |
| Written by sugarmags |
| Friday, 04 June 2010 02:28 |
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Tonight I almost went to the liquor store instead of the meeting. I was really on the fence for the first time in the two weeks since I've been coming back to the rooms. What's more, the friend who has been kind enough to accompany me to so many groups was tied up tonight, so I'd have to muster up the courage to go alone. No small feat for a social phobic like me. I told myself that I could have a couple of bottles of wine delivered and no one would be the wiser- what harm would it really do? Nobody needed to know. It probably didn't help that I had passed the day alone in my apartment save for the company of the "iddy biddy committee" that lives in my head and which had me feeling sorry for myself regarding a particular issue I'm grappling with at the moment. My sponsor even called me and I just shined her on, telling her I was fine because I didn't feel energetic enough to get into a substantive conversation. But at least I made the right decision in the end and got my butt to the meeting. I had a knot in my stomach as I approached, until someone whose face i recognized interrupted his conversation to give me a cheery "hello!" I felt ok after that. The smallest gestures can mean so much when you're coming from a lonely place. As usual, the meeting grounded me and I no longer have the urge to imbibe tonight. One other thing that really makes me urge is walking by outdoor tables at local restaurants and cafes on these warm summer nights. The other night my friend and I passed by the Elysian cafe. There were twinkling lights and soft music. People were laughing and smiling as they chatted and yes, sipped their pricey wine, beer, and exotic cocktails. I so badly wanted to join them at that moment. Oh, what a life I was missing out on! How I was being cheated! It was so unfair! Truth be told, I had my fair of social drinking, but I have to be honest about what really took place. I was the one who always had too much and ended up embarassing myself by making a scene, or getting sick. And more recently there were no happy friends at my side and no romantic cafe for ambiance. There was just me alone in my apartment with my bottles, phone unplugged to shut out the world and only the dog and re-runs of Law & Order to keep me company. I had to keep my drinking a secret from my family, who presumed (or at least liked to hope, as they had paid for at least half a dozen residential treatment centers) that I was abstinent, as well as most of my friends, so I was living a double life. I hated the situation I was in and I had no idea how to change it. I have to take care not to allow myself not to romanticize the drinking/using days and remember where my addiction ultimately led me, as well as where it will lead me if I continue. Like many others in recovery, I came back to meetings because I was forced to. Maybe "forced" is a little too strong a term, lets just say I got a lot of pressure from my family. But this time I had a big revelation, which is that I can't get clean alone. I've tried and failed many times. Despite my misgivings about 12step groups, I really dont see any other option.At the very least going to meetings is better than sitting alone in my apartment entertaining that committee sponsored by the disease in my head.In the last two weeks I've met more people than I have in the last two years.And maybe, just maybe, there's something to it, and I'll just have to swap wine at Elysian Cafe for coffee outside Panera. |
| Last Updated on Friday, 04 June 2010 17:48 |
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